Unleavened Levity

 

A local priest & pastor were fishing on side of the road, when an idea came to them. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" & showed it to each passing car. One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign & shouted at them: "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, & the priest said to the pastor... "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

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A Mormon acquaintance of Mark Twain's once drew him into an argument on the issue of polygamy. The Mormon spent a good bit of time justifying the practice and then he challenged Twain to cite any passage of Scripture that expressly forbids polygamy. "Nothing easier," replied Twain, " 'No man can serve two masters.' "

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Two Old Baptist Elders were discussing when they thought the Primitive Baptist Church had its beginning. One said that it started with John the Baptist. The other one said, "No, it started a long time before that." "Well, when do think it started," replied the other. "It started way back in the 13th chapter of Genesis when Abram said to Lot, 'If thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left.' "

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A preacher forgot the names of the couple he was going to marry, so he said from the pulpit, "Will those wishing to be united in matrimony please come forward after the service. When the sermon was over and the benediction was prayed, thirteen old maids came forward.

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Deacon Sandlyn was met at the church door one Sunday by the pastor. "Deacon," said the preacher sternly, "I've been told that you went to the ball game last Sunday instead of coming to church." "That's a lie," blurted the deacon, "and I have the fish at home to prove it!"

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A preacher's seven-year-old son asked him, "Dad, how did Noah pass the time when he was in the ark?" "Well," replied dad, "he probably spent a lot of time fishing." "How could he have done that?" asked the lad, "he only had two worms."

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A preacher who served several churches arrived early one Sunday morning and set about sweeping the meeting-house. As the time approached for services to begin, one lone cowboy arrived. None of the other regulars showed up. The preacher then asked the cowboy whether he thought they should go ahead with worship services. The cowboy said, "Well, preacher, when I go out to feed the cattle, if only one shows up, I still feed her." The preacher said that they would go ahead then. They sang some songs and the preacher then offered a prayer after which he began to preach a full hour. At the end of the services, the preacher asked the cowboy what he thought. The cowboy said, "Preacher, I guess I didn't make myself clear. I should have added that, if only one cow shows up to be fed, I feed her but I don't give her the whole load."

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The following incident actually happened to my Dad, the late Elder H. E. Harris: One day he met one of the town drunks on the streets of Bonifay, Florida, where he was a Barber for 35 years. After a friendly exchange the drunk said, "Preacher, when I die I want you to preach my funeral." "I'll be glad to Shorty," Dad replied solemnly. "When you die you come let me know." Shorty extended an appreciative hand and blurted, "I'll do it...I'll sure do it!"

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A young lady went to her pastor and confessed that she feared she had committed the sin of vanity. "What makes you think that?" asked the minister. "Because, every morning when I look in the mirror I think how beautiful I am." "Never fear, my girl," he replied tenderly, "You did not sin, you were simply mistaken."

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A man told his young son the story of the rich man and Lazarus. The man then asked his son, "Now, Johnny, which would you rather be---the rich man or Lazarus?" The little boy replied, "I'd want to be the rich man while I was living, and Lazarus when I died."

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After a certain minister had preached for almost an hour, he made what he thought was another good point, paused a moment and asked, "What more can I say?" From the back of the building a small voice answered, "Amen."

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After his sermon on Sunday, Pastor Blowhard announced; "After dismission I want to have a meeting of the Board in the basement." When a total stranger showed up at the meeting the pastor said to him, "Sir, I think perhaps you misunderstood. I said I wanted to meet with the Board." "Well," replied the stranger, "I figured I was just as bored as anybody else."

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A fellow told me recently about being in church when one of the members went to sleep and started snoring. The pastor asked one of his deacons to go wake the brother up. The deacon tapped the brother lightly, but he continued to snore. He poked him in the ribs, but he kept on snoring. At this point the deacon slapped the brother so hard it knocked him out of his seat and onto the floor. Fearing that he had really injured the man, the deacon knelt at his side, whereupon the brother groaned, "Hit me again, I can still hear him!"

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Did you hear about the church that got rid of their pastor? They gave two reasons: the first was, he had a poor delivery; the second was, he had nothing to deliver.

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One Sunday a young preacher delivered what he thought was an exceptionally good sermon, and there was no question in his mind but that everyone else was as impressed with his effort as he was. In the car on the way home he asked his wife, "Honey, how many great preachers do you think there are in the world?" She smiled lovingly, put her hand on his shoulder, and replied, "One fewer than you think, dear."

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A preacher announced at the beginning of his sermon one Sunday that he was going to preach through the Bible that day. After he had preached far too long he had only gotten as far as Isaiah. "Now we come to Isaiah," he shouted. "What shall we do with Isaiah? About middle way of the house an old brother stood up, and as he headed for the door he said, "Isaiah can have my seat."

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I was a young licensed "wannabe" preacher, and lived in Carrollton, GA. One Sunday, I went to old Wehadkee church in Rock Mills, Al to visit. I think Elder Bailey Wilson was the pastor, because Elder W. E. Hawkins had had a stroke and was unable to talk. Well, not long after we got in and sat down, Sister Hawkins came over and sat next to me and began to question me as to who I was, who I was affiliated with and who my parents were, etc. When she found out that my father was Elder E. B. Watts, that made me OK in her book, since he loved them so much. After services, in which I was called on to take a part, lunch was served. Being my usual "at home" self, I went and filled my plate, went back for dessert, and was about to dispose of my plate. Sister Hawkins came over to me and insisted that I go back and get some more to eat. When I told her that I had already been through the line twice, she said, "That's enough, then, you didn't preach THAT good". We had a good laugh about that every time I saw her after that. I still have fond memories of her smile.    Kenneth Watts 

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I do remember Elder Bryan Adair telling that he filled an appointment at a church in southern Illinois which held a week's meeting (they held services I think morning and night each day during a week), and there were several visitors who came to hear him. In fact, one year he had weeks' meetings at three different churches, on three consecutive weeks, if I remember right. He said that some of the visitors who were there to hear him the first week, followed him to the next church and heard him another week, and he was feeling a little "built up" about it. But when they followed him the third week, he finally said something about it, that maybe they liked to hear him preach. To which, they said "No we just wondered if you ever would preach."

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After the preaching service one Sunday, a Sister went to the preacher and said, "Your sermon today reminded me of the mercies of God." The preacher would have been better off to have just thanked her and let it go at that, but feeling somewhat inflated he said, "How's that Sister?"...and she replied. "I thought it would endure forever." 

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For several Sundays in a row Sister Johnson had gone to the Pastor after service and told him he preached a warm sermon that day. He had taken this as a high compliment and was getting quite proud of himself. After this went on for awhile he decided he would get his dictionary and look up the word warm and see if any of the definitions would embellish the compliment. To his dismay the first definition he came to was: "Not so hot."

 
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